So my last time I tried posting this I guess I really wasn't as honest with you all. So lets try this again....without further thoughts here we go. The start of my freshman year was a very confusing time period for me. I had transitioned from 8th grade which was by far one of my favorite years ever. I had so many friends and I just really will always remember that year as one of the best years of my life. I went into freshman year with the same people that I had ended 8th grade with. I was loving my life. I entered my freshman year just so excited to have sort of a fresh start and experience new things. Little did I know that my whole life as I knew it was about to go through the blender. I started off high school just very unsure of where my life was going I knew I had a good head on my shoulders and I knew that I was going to have a great year. This was very wrong. Very quickly I had began to lose the friendships that I had valued so much and I was so lost. I had depended so much on the other people in my life to make me happy that I was not sure how to be on my own. I quickly started to panic about trying to find new friends. I was not sure who to go to anymore and I just felt so lost and alone. With that I started to lose who I was and was just trying to fit in with anyone I could. I wasn't the girl that I once was. The girl who had passion and drive and dreams that were so big. I had used to love dressing nice and going to school and by halfway through my freshman year almost all of that was gone. I hated school. I put the minimal effort into everything and I was not the person that I was.
About midway through my freshman year things had somehow managed to get even worse. I was so scared to be myself and my confidence was just so low that I really struggled with body image and how I saw myself. I turned to overworking myself and skipping meals to make myself look that way that I at that time thought was beautiful. This is not a light subject matter to talk about and I know that people have it a lot worse than I did but no matter what it changed me and mentally hurt me in more ways than one. After that had taken over my mind and body I was still worried about trying to fit in and find my "group of people" People in my grade had began being exposed to the whole idea of partying and drinking at some point during the year and I knew that it was wrong and I knew better than that so I usually would spend the majority of my weekends alone thinking about why I couldn't just be like everyone else. I can't remember specifically what night it was but I know it was in about April 2014 that I woke up from this nightmare that I had put myself in and just broke down. I couldn't believe that the girl I was at the beginning of the year was so far gone and that she was replaced with this zombie of a person who had no dreams or goals of any sort. And that night I had realized that something had needed to change.
I went into my summer with an open heart and open mind about what I would be doing during the summer to help myself get back to the person that I used to be. I got a job as a lifeguard at a local summer swim club and I had met so many amazing people that had just accepted me for the person that I was. I didn't have to put on an act around any of them I could just go into work everyday looking forward to being there and with the people there. This positive outlook I had received everyday during the summer at work had carried over into my school year this year (sophomore year) It was also during the summer that I had been privileged in meeting an amazing group of friends. We spent lots of time together and I felt loved and included and happy for once. I was healthy and in a good state of mind. But all that from a glance seemed so perfect to me. I thought I had everything. I became even more dependant with making sure that the group of friends that I had established was always with me and we were always together but even in the past week I have learned that I don't think that I have found the right niche of people just quite yet. With everything that the past few years have thrown at me I have learned that I really need to try and always remain positive and the people that I was associating myself with were not always the support system that I was looking for and with that I turned a lot to myself. I took yet another step back and I said to myself that maybe instead of worrying so much about having a group of friends that I poor my heart into when I am not even sure if they feel the same way I need to choose several of the people that I know I care about and that I know care about me and poor as much as I can into those relationships. I cannot agree how true the statement is "I would rather have two amazing friends than a bunch of mediocre friends" Nobody needs to settle for anything less than what they deserve. I am not sitting here and telling you guys that I am perfect because boy, I AM IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM. But I am incredibly happy with where I am right now with or without having lots and lots of friends by my side I at least know that I will always have the selected group of people always behind me.
I know that life can be really hard sometimes, especially for those of us in high school and even college. So many things are changing and people are different. BUT if there is one thing that I wish I could go back and fix would be trying to change who I was in order to be whatever the word normal means. Do I still today struggle with the whole friends thing? YES! In my life things are always changing and I feel that obviously I am still so young I have so much time to build relationships and find those amazing people that I know that I deserve in my life and I know that all of you reading this right now also deserve to be as happy as you possibly can be. Being happy is something that truly will never go out of style. So until next time, remember that things may seem awful at the moment but it is how you will deal with those things that will make you an even better person than you already are.
If anyone ever feels alone or lost. You are not. YOU are loved.
Xoxo-
Kaitlyn.
